Sitting at breakfast,
eating my habitual
bowl of Cherrios
mixed with grains and nuts and berries,
(like the animal food
I used to buy
for a nickel a bag
at the Bronx Zoo
when I was a
wandering little kid
in New York City).
As is my habit at our
morning table,
I am reading
one of the twenty magazines
my wife and I receive
in the mail box every month.

Now,
we’ve got paid subscriptions
for a few of them,
but, most come to us,
“FIRST THREE MONTHS FREE!
SUBSCRIBE AT THIS
LOW-LOW-LOCKED-IN RATE
AND WE’LL CALL THE FIRST THREE
A GIFT-REBATE!!!”

But,
Nancy and I have discovered
if we ignore the bill
which arrives three months later,
you know,
just forget about it
like those old people always do,
and don’t sign nothin’,
Why!
those free magazines keep coming,
magically appearing in our mail box
along with our Social Security…
like the publishers have learned
to turn on the faucet
but can’t seem to figure out
how to turn it off!

Fine with us!
We’re both long retired!
We’ve plenty time enough
to recline on our recliners
to read all those freebies!!

And such fascinating subjects:

“Our Fair State,
its politics and diplomacy
(or lack there-of)”.

“The Sex Lives of Bonobos,
those intercourse-crazed, simians”!

“Antarctic Ice – The Heat Is On!
And how the Emperor Penguins
may have to pay the bill!”

Recently,
I’ve come upon a few articles
about Rocking Chairs!
Yep! Rocking Chairs!
And historical artifacts from
The Golden Age of Television
stored in dusty storage bins
in the Smithsonian attic.
And how the elderly should maintain
“an acceptable but reduced working heart rate
while engaged in a daily exercise program
tailored for the aged”.
Subjects that fairly rivet me
to my recliner…

However,
I’ve been reading enough,
lately,
to be able to anticipate
the feeling I get
from a sentence expounding on
How Long Ago
a style of rocking chair
was designed for the porches
of North Carolina.
Or how Television
once had ONLY three channels,
(all in black and white, mind you!).
Or how far back it was when
apes were discovered to be sharing
98.7% of my DNA!

These earth shattering wonders
came to light
WAY, WAY BACK
in the “mid-1940’s”!!!
My God!
That’s damn near back in the
Dark Ages!!!

I’m beginning to feel like
an ancient, holy relic

-The Patella of Saint Peter!-

the Roman Catholic Church kept entombed
in silk-lined, hand-carved oak coffins
in drawers under communion tables
where The Mass was celebrated-
In Latin!
No less!

Well…
Damn it all!
I’m still here to tell you
I came into this world
December 12, 1948,
and ya know something?
That don’t seem all that
way-way back to me!
In fact,
if one of those articles
in one of those freebies
happens to mention research
being conducted around
some little pill
scientists are searching
for a volunteer to swallow
which,
if it don’t kill,
will
add “an undisclosed period of time to his life”
more than what he may
have naturally had…”.
Well!
Just show me where that line starts!

I’m old, but game!

My pace-makered-PFO-patched-A-fibed
ticker
is still enjoying the tick-tock
of its existence,
thank-you-very-much!

And ya know what?
I just might go,
right now
and cancel those free subscriptions
I never paid for
just so I won’t be
constantly reminded
nor forced to read nor heed
how much – little time –
I have left!

Dark Ages, indeed!