First,

to get a bothersome, tangential issue out of the way,

you can have your own say on whether you choose

boxers, whitey-tighties or bikinis…

(If you want your balls squeezed to the point of pain

from your morning post-shower activities

to your bed-time-night-time-machinations,

that’s your own get-out…)

Your choice!

But!

The time has come for all males

to agree on one point,

To wit:

After laundering, does it matter if you fold your underwear

with labels inside-in or outside-out or who cares?

Perhaps it was something your Mommy was hung-up on.

So the Summer before you went off to college,

if not way before, like maybe when you first

went to Camp Wanna-Be to get you out of her hair

for a few weeks between July and August,

she showed you how to “correctly” fold your clothes.

Long sleeve shirts folded like they come in the box from Macy’s.

The crease in your dress pants matching just-so, hem to hem.

Even your blue jeans, folded flat in your suitcase, never rolled!

And, if Mommy was a real fanatic,

your handkerchiefs,

Oh God! For Four square, ironed, snot rags!

But!

And here’s the real question…

Underpants, labels inside or out

so that skillfully hemmed slit in front is easily opened

so your “urinator” slips out-of and back-in with ease…

Now, really, truth to tell, (sorry, Mom…)

who uses that additional little passage way, anyway?

Don’t you just grab the elastic waist band,

yank it down

and, all nether parts comfortably in hand,

fire away!?

Think of all the money Jockey, or Hanes or Fruit-of-the-Loom,

(Didn’t you ever wonder about that particularly weird brand name?)

…all the money they might save if their seam stitchers

just skipped that part of the pattern and moved on to other

more important border lines, like, maybe, tighter elastic thighs?

Anyway,

I’m here to tell you that in the event of some accident

you may be involved in,

those heroic EMT’s aren’t going to care a wit,

(or give a shit, for that matter)

whether your underpants label is facing in or out!

And believe me,

that first time with some new love of your life?

She’s not going to take note of whether

YOUR LABEL is correctly positioned,

checking off a box on her long list

of acceptable-potential-domestic-partners-quirks…

Maybe her Mother might mind, but no one else will!

And, BTW, FYI, you should never mention any

of this information to the Mother,

not in any possible conversation

and if your overly inquisitive future mother-in-law

attempts to ascertain this information by some…

alternative… method,

Well, that would eclipse all other considerations…

Anyway, the slogan for the solution to this undies-label-question

we can all give our unified masculine affirmation to is:

“Out of the dryer-

hence to the hamper-

thus to your dresser drawer-

then on to your….”

Well, you get the picture.

And no one need ever know.

(And if your new college room mate

expresses an unsolicited concern or interest

in the folding of your drawers,

find a new roomie without delay…

unless of course, you are agreeable

to a further perusal of the topic…

Well,

you know,

if you know.

Happy Laundry Day!